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AraVsHwiN
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Name: Heather
Country: United States
State: South Carolina
Metro: Columbia
Birthday: 8/13/1980
Interests: Coffee..that's right coffee is my hobby..the drinking of, the making of, the smelling of, the hanging around..I might as well get a coffee job--I frikin love books! Something about reading the ideas and thoughts of others that really intrigues me.
All-time favorite movies: Good Will Hunting, High Fidelity, Beautiful Mind, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring and Return of the King..
Expertise: Music..though not an expert per say..but I love music such as: GetUpKids, JimmyEatWord, Dashboard Confessional, CoolHandLuke, PedrotheLion, Derek Webb, DavidCrowderBand, Coldplay, Switchfoot, Modern Skirts, and so on...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  AraVsHwiN
Member Since:
4/22/2003
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| I'm hardly ever on here. (although I am still writing). It seems to be my secret, or not so secret place, where I can work stuff out that goes on in my head.
SS today spawned a whole new series of thoughts in my head that stemmed from older pieces that had already been there.
I'm struggling with this whole concept of choice.
I'm thinking that more and more I align with the idea of predestination. I used to merge the 2 concepts of choice/free will with the idea of election. Don't ask, I simply made it make sense in my brain.
The more I began to explore this notion and see my whole life in the spectrum of God working out His will in me, the more glorifying it was to Him. The more the whole of my life was for His glory. And if all works together for His glory and our chief end is to glorify Him, than the whole idea of His sovereignty over all and His power to control and predetermine all of our lives also begins to be an idea that comforts. This directly affects how I see Him and how I trust Him in my daily living of life. It allows me to let go of this control that I so desire. And then I thought..ahaha..control. The whole reason I so tightly held of both notions was the fact I preferred the idea of free choice as I really didn't like not having the reigns. And to bring a sense of peace to my soul, drew to this idea that man makes his own decisions...which seems rather arrogant to me now. As man is not in control and he is not definitely not OK with that. Adam didn't like it, Eve didn't like it..(Lucifer didn't like it either) even though everything was soo wonderfully perfect. Even though they were soo perfectly provided for..they doubted for one tiny fraction of a moment that God was in control and that he always held their best interest in mind. The God who had allowed and given so much, arranged things in beautiful union and harmony. And so through the tiniest slivers of doubt (Is He withholding, has He really given us all He can?) began the revolt of our hearts. And now in every decision we begin to counter and challenge God. We know best, we decide. In giving up that control, what are we really gaining? Everything. (in short).
I feel especially compelled to craft out this view for myself personally because I work with children & their families in mental health. I help people with their choices and attempt to encourage them that they have control, they have the power to work these things out, if they would just decide to do so. So what does it mean if they don't. Certainly it's not for me to tell them, "well it seems you are a chosen vessel of wrath and there is no more that I can do for you. You are destined to hell and will never make the better choices, you aren't supposed to". Certainly this would not be my approach. For even in that election is a gentle working out and a gentle leading of God's spirit that goes far behind my dealings with them in my office. It's the scope of their lives and circumstances. I can only pray to be a part of that gentle working out, beginning to implant in their lives a challenge to the world's ideals.
After all, we're all in process.
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| I just finished my liscensure exam & it is beautiful outside!!
So marks the end of my era of education, well until I decide to go PhD.
Another 6-8 weeks will tell if I am a liscensed professional...or at least qualified to guide the little lives for which I am responsible.
For now it's some quality fall outdoor time..hiking anyone??
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| I've been on this journey lately of heart and head & I still making sense of where I landed.
I desperately want to write it out & have written it, just not here.
A question was posed to me: So what do you do at the point of recognition?
In the past the honest answer was to adamantly deny what existed or to turn my head.
One can easily recognize the symptoms whether or not he chooses to face it..
but mark my words, left unchecked will become a insidious growth
and its victim will scarcely know reality.
I've been denying reality for far longer than I ever realized.
It's a rather refreshing shock to the system to once again breach the surface.
For now I'm perched along the shoreline taking notice of my surroundings...
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| I don't know how people do it.
Come home night after night to an empty, quiet home. I imagine for some it's solace, but for others its torment.
I can see how tv or music can become constant companions.
While I know many people live this life, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that.
I entered into the newly emptied house, the ticking of the clock echoed through all the rooms.
I have to admit I was silently relieved when the air conditioning kicked on.
I can't help but think it will always eventually come down to this, others will always move on.
And I stand still by a clock that ticks like a bomb, but what's it counting down to?
Perhaps each tick captures the greatest moments of a life lived...adding up the memories.
Even when I have others around me, I seem to take them for granted.
There are time where I wish for nothing more than this solitude,
then others when I want to fill this space with noise and laughter and chaos...which I found strangely comforting.
The numbers are dwindling and I'm anxiously anticipating the unknown.
There will never more be constants, perhaps there never were, only the false hope of ideals.
(Maybe one of the house mates will return soon so I can quit thinking.
That's after all what we're really trying to avoid isn't it..? thinking...?)
*edit*
After rereading this I realize I sound like an 80-year-old woman. It's just sad.
see what I'm saying..I should not be allowed to think anymore...
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| Lately I want to disconnect myself from everything that makes sense or is overly familiar.
I suppose it's one of those "early" life crises. You know the one where you graduate/finish up an important project and you resurface wondering what the heck you're supposed to do now. I seem to be blowing off all responsibilities and obligations. I'm growing tired of obligations. I'm unfettered & indecisive & I am tired of explaining myself to others. The truth of the matter is I have little reason for my actions these days. I'm not sure I want to offer apologies or just get on with it. I'm just tired of feeling unsettled, and my cure for that ironically is to relocate or rearrange my life circumstance.
Late night drives to the beach have been the remedy to my soul recently. Perhaps I'm really out of sorts with the One who could make the most difference or the most meaning of this restless spirit.
I hate when you have so many things that burden your heart to say to another to uplift and to encourage and all that comes out are the negative, self-seeking trivialities or pursuit of self-gain and fulfillment. We always manage to taint such a good thing. There is nothing pure. And hearts are deceitful. I don't trust my feelings or these thoughts that truncate against my mind, and my will is sorely lacking her steadfast, barbaric nature.
I feel restrained and removed from my greatest passions in life.
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